Happy Halloween

So I head out of Cape Town on the beautiful R27 that runs along the coast up to Velddrif. As I was coming up to Melkbosstand I felt the car swerving to the right. After a few kilometers this became more and more pronounced. Now I did not want to appear drunk and embarrass myself in front of my fellow drivers (and something could be seriously wrong), so I pulled into The Caltex just before the Melkbosstrand Road (M19). My rear left tyre had deflated quite a bit. The culprit was a huge nail I must have picked up on the way. It was easy enough to fix. This time, unlike all the other times I had my puncture fixed, the attendant told me I could buy the kit for R65.00. If you are on a journey and the probability of flat or punctures are quite high, then one of these kits are essential; as well as a pair of pliers to remove the offending object.

The procedure is quite simple. Just pull out the object -- in my case, the nail -- take the first tool, stick it in the hole to make it bigger (no really just follow me with this), the take a piece of sticky rubber that looks like Freddy Kruger's pet worms, put it through the eye of a massive needle, stick it in the hole, then pull it out. Ta-da, your puncture is fixed. If you have something to inflate your tyres with you then you are a self-sufficient fixing machine. You can even start hunting down people who have punctures and offering to rescue them at a price. Also, the little rubber ooze-worms are available at most hardware stores, so it shouldn't be too hard to turn a profit on the venture (if you exclude the fact that petrol costs more than gold plated condoms).

So it looks like Halloween started off with a trick for me.

Replacing A Mazda 323 Bumper

When it comes to most things that seem difficult, there is often a trick to doing it that makes it a lot easier. So first I will explain how I stumbled around and then I will give you the trick. So if you just want to know how to do it then feel free to skip the exposition.

When I removed the bumper, I did not remove the lights, so I had to crawl under the car and get my dainty hand into tight spaces to remove the bolts. It was a labour of extreme frustration. I knew I was doing something wrong, because there was no way a large-handed mechanic could have used my approach. If half of the bumper in question had not been cracked and hanging to the ground then it would have been nearly impossible.

So flashback to last week Thursday.  I woke up around six in the morning, parked my car in the garage, and just stared at the car for a while. With just the side lights removed, I realized there was still not enough space to put the bolts in, so I removed the headlights as well. I spent an hour struggling with the bumper and getting it to fit onto the brackets; but one of the was bent, which made things even more difficult. I even removed one, tried to hammer it straight (which only resulted in chipping the cement floor). After I put the bracket back on and got two bolts in I realized that I had been a massive berk the entire time. I just had to remove the bracket and then it was a dream to attach it to the bumper. Putting the bracket onto the body of the car was as easy as outrunning a toddler in quicksand. Once the bumper was done, all I had to do was put the light back on and sit back with personal admiration.

Now for the tech stuff. On a Mazda 323 the bumper is bolted at four points to a bracket that is screwed onto the body of the car. To get to the bracket you need to remove the lights. So pop the hood and have at it. The first lights you will need to remove the side lights: unscrew the plastic bit under the headlight (I don't know if it has a technical name) then the headlights themselves. Now when you look down you will be able to see the bracket clearly, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. First you have to unscrew and unbolt the sides of the bumper which, if you look at from underneath, should be quite clear. Once the brackets have been unscrewed  the bumper will be off. Then just remove the brackets, put them on the new bumper and reverse the steps. No big shake. It should take just under an hour, perhaps a bit longer if you are doing it for the first time. You will need a 14 and a ten ratchet and a Phillips screwdriver. If you can find some one to occasionally bring you coffee while you work, that would be ideal.  If you take spray painting out of the equation, this will take a R1500 job and turn it into a R300 job. I know I don't have an extra R1200 just lying around, so if you are strapped for cash then this is a great way to save money.

The car in the garage, as if you can't tell

There you can see the bracket on the bumper

The new bumper on the car

Story of The Bumper and Stuff

Now as I have said, it was not in my budget to spent R3500 on fixing the car. So on Wednesday my father did a lot of calling around to find a place that had a a front bumper for a Mazda 323. Eventually he found one in Somerset West. He needed to take his Yamaha XS1100 in for a service at the Suzuki Shop in Grabouw anyway so the next day we left early to take his bike in and get my bumper.

When we dropped his bike off one of the guys as the shop told us about a place there in Grabouw called On Route that could help us. We though we might as well stop by and see if they had the parts we needed, as it would saved us a bit in petrol. Sadly they did not have the bumper, but I was able to get my right hand side light for R50 and the back light cover (which someone had broken while it was parked in Swellendam of all places) for R150. They also had an amazing scrapyard were you could rummage for parts that you might need. If I were the type of person who restored cars that would be like a scratch patch to a crystal healer . Already we were off to a good start.

We found the place in Somerset West, and got the bumper for R300, and a little strip of plastic that when under the light for R45. The bumper was black. I was in no mood to pay for it be sprayed to match the rest of the car and at first glance the black actually looked rather cool. Plus I saw a two-and-a-half story Iron Man sculpture. It was incredible, and made the trip that much more amazing.

Yes, it is as cool as you think it is.

On the way back we stopped off at the Grabouw Farm Stall and picked up some Springbok Pies. I know it has been said that Nanaga has the best pies; but that is an outright lie, a sinister farrago and just not true. The best venison pies come exclusively from The Grabouw Farm Stall. No argument. This is not a matter of opinion, or taste, its hard science. It falls under Piedology. Besides, it has become a ritual for me over the last few years.

Seeing as I had not slept the night before, I started to fall asleep on the way back. When we got home I made a valiant attempt to do the last of my packing but my body was having none of it. So I called it an early night, for the next day was bound to be brutal.

I feel so dirty for doing this. Must wash away shame!

Handy-Man Jai

When I titled this journey Surviving a Road Trip, I did not realise that I would be the biggest threat to the whole endeavour. For example, I was reversing my car out of a parking lot and bumped my bumper. The car is fine but the bumper is cracked, and it is not safe to ride around with a cracked bumper lest the wind has its way with it and rips it out while I am driving. So, I got quotes for replacing the bumper; and let me just say ... I cannot really afford it. So I found out where I can buy a new one. The price was under R500 -- now that at least I can afford.

So in order to put a new bumper on, I had to remove the broken one. Now I had never done this before, and I had no idea how to do it. Yet you don't know until you try. Would you believe it -- I actually got it off. Now there are few things I can do, and even less that I can do well. Mechanical things are on the "Do Poorly" list. So I spent just under a hour beneath my car, swearing in a very colourful manner as I tried to negotiate the screw which I assumed would remove the bumper. After I had to eventually make up my own curse words, I got the last bolt off. The result was me holding up the bumper as though it was Simba, and enticing passers-by to share in my triumph. Sadly, they did not.

To quote the characters from South Park, "I learned something [that] day." Just because you have never done something before, it does not make it impossible. Hell, you may even be certain that what you want to do is completely out of you skill set. Just try it. You might just surprise yourself.

Here is a picture of my handiwork. I realise that the image of a gutted car is depressing. At least, it is to me. So I thought I would add a picture of a boy holding a flower I took.

Last Night

So last Friday I told you about about the lady who took me by the arm and dragged me around the place. Well, by Hollywood's standards a good movie needs a sequel. So last night I met her and her friend for a night out. As I arrived the group of men that had been hovering around them walked off. They thanked me for the rescue. It was a pity that they chose the one bar in Hermanus with a cover charge. But Geko had a great view of the ocean, and being in the new harbour it was close to were I am staying (although in Hermanus everything is close).

As we sat down and chatted I found out her friend was a miner in a tiny town near Poffadder. Let us just say that my concept of random has just been upgraded. Though they were really great fun to hang out with. It became especially entertaining when we went to Shimmies to find the dance floor empty; an array of dolled-up ladies, overly Axed men and hungry-eyed middle-aged women sitting at the bar. Ha, that did not stop us. After I consulted my cell-phone Sangoma I was assured that dancing like an idiot to repetitive music with enough sarcasm to choke a kitten would be the perfect thing to do. After three songs the floor started to fill with more people, who seemed to take the whole affair with a bit more seriousness than we were. After a bit of observation, I realised that drunk men are far more certain of their sexiness than the faces of those around them demonstrated. That's why the genders drink together I suppose.

It was getting late and my party was needed elsewhere in the morning so we went to the new friends house for coffee, and a hearty round of witty banter. As we left her house the girl from last Friday had trouble starting her boyfriend's car. It was an old Toyota that resembled the old Datson bakkies. I owned a Nissan 1400 for many years (until someone hit it while it was parked and wrote it off), so I offered to help. After I showed her where the choke was she drove off, leaving me in the cool night air feeling like a real man. Besides, if a guy can't help a damsel start her boyfriend's car, then what good is a man?

I will be spending the weekend putting the finishing touches on my plan for the next leg of the journey. I will be going up the west coast then down through the R62, back to Port Elizabeth, then from there up to Hogsback. If any of you know of great places along the way I would love to hear your suggestions.

PS: Sorry this post has no pictures of last night. I did not want to cart around my shiny camera. It might have made me look like a ponce.

So here is a picture of a potplant on a chair. Yeah, that how I roll. I have tea with nature.

My Car Crash

For all of those how have been following my journey I would like to apologise for a long silence. I had a car accident. Don't worry, I am fine; no serious injuries were sustained, and no one else was involved. The car should be fixed by next week, and the journey is not over. I would just like to thank my father for all his assistance in this matter.

In the meantime I will be going through all my notes and filling you in on all the amazing things I have seen but just have not had the time to tell you about.  I hope you enjoy reading them.

What, you want something funny and entertaining?

Come on guys I am giving you some sad news. I mean it's going to cost a couple grand to fix my dear sweet car; and you want jokes and humorous anecdotes? Well, okay. The car ended up on its side, so perhaps the image of me crawling out of the passenger side door as it stood facing the sky, will amuse you. *Sigh*, I suppose that was a bit uncalled-for. Its just that the last few days have been a bit tough. Of course the notion of hanging up the towel crossed my mind. Sure, the road can get lonely. When unspeakable beauty fills your eyes, the desire to turn to the passenger seat and say "Will you look at that; ain't it cool", becomes intense. Though the chances to see these things are not constant. Besides, I have you guys to share it with. Then I remember, I am not really alone; you are with me. In my heart; my mind, my desire to share wonders and experiences to those who would honour me by reading it.

This trip started out being about me, and my discovery of whatever seeps from the tarmac. Though I must admit, you are the fuel that drives me to continue. That may seem a bit sad. Perhaps it is. It does not bother me though. That is who I am. When you leave the world that told you what it thought you are, you must be willing to consider the person you find along the way. Not the person who sits next to you, but the person that sits inside you.

Wait, I sense that I may have veered somewhat off topic. Just a bit. Anyway, had an accident, sorry about the silence, will be back to posting tomorrow.

I just met you; and this is crazy

Right, so before I recap the tales of days past in a whimsical yet informative manner; I think you should hear about my morning. Yesterday, today and tomorrow - yes I know the flower- I have and will be opening the Lunar Cafe, and helping out while the manager spends some quality time with her son. Yesterday went smoothly. This morning, not so smooth. I have to open the shop at 7:30 am. "No problem", says I. Got in my car at 7:15am did I. More than enough time to slowly drive to work had I. Did car start? No.

I know the reason. I had left the car on, but not running yesterday while I sat and read, thinking it was easier to keep track of the time with the little clock on the dashboard. Being the genius that I am, I did not realise that if you do so for more than an hour and a half; the battery will go flat. Thankfully, yesterday after a few push-starts throughout the day, I drove the car around a bit and went home. After parking I switched it back on again to make sure that the next morning it would start. But at that time the engine was nice and warm; this morning it was freezing. With my breath hanging in the air the car made a valiant attempt at starting, then said, "Stuff it".

So there I was; ten minutes to get to work, off the beaten track and no one in sight to give me a hand. I tried to call my friend but she is ill and I am not surprised that she did not pick up the phone. My only option was to get to the tar road and try to thumb a lift into town. This meant running up a hill; to which my lungs responded in kind. They burnt back at me, a reminder of years of smoking that seems to have counteracted the years of cross-country. My body tried, but it was weak due to the disuse and neglect I have shown it. My body remembered all the abuse it has had to suffer at my hand, and that was its moment of reckoning.

"You need me now, don't you?" it spat at me as I tried to use it to fulfill my obligations. The top of the hill seemed like a faraway dream. Luckily I got to the tar road at 7:30, but at that point I was wheezing like a squeaky clown after a drive-by. After the first car that drove past ignored my attempt to hitch a ride, and the others I tried to chase down were unsuccessful, I entered the bargaining phase of grief. So I looked out into the forests and hills on this beautiful Friday morning and asked any imaginary entity for help. I even offered to give up some of my vices, and take better care of my body. Five minutes later, just as the remnants of my strength was coming to an end, a bakkie pulled over. Sure I had to sit on top of tools and boxes in the back, but at least the road was rolling past me at a more productive pace. Amidst apologies I arrived fifteen minutes late, with a burning chest and a stack of nerves that were worse for wear. At least I made it to work.

Getting home, now that's going to interesting.

Your Chariot

Unless you're preparing to put your thumb into action (i.e. hitchhiking), then perhaps the most important part of a road trip is the car. It is the very means by which you negotiate the road. If it breaks down you are stuck. This could leave you stranded in very problematic situations, for example in the rain, in the middle of the night, far from civilisation, or while being attacked by zombies.  So obviously it stands to reason that before you embark on any kind of journey you have to get you car checked out and fixed up, or you might just find yourself on an episode of Kyknet’s “Die Kranse het Oë”.

Now just because you had a guy tinker away at your vehicle does not mean it has become impervious to future break downs. Yet many of us are part of the generation that can figure out anything with a screen in minutes, yet stare for half an hour at a popped hood, scratching their heads while trying to look like they know what’s going on. I will admit that I knew absolutely nothing about engines. Knowing that there would be a good chance that I would have to fix, or at least get my car started in an adverse circumstance, when I took my car in for its service, I asked the mechanic to teach me the basics of how to figure out and fix the basic problems I may face on the road.

I would like to thank Steven for all his help and assistance. I would recommend him to anyone in the Port Elizabeth area. If you have any issues with your car, or are tired of getting screwed round by mechanics you don’t think are trust worthy (hey, it happens), then is the guy to all. His number is 0763048169.

I would like to share with you some of the basic things he taught me as I am certain they could be useful to you too. First off, I was show what’s potting on a B3 engine, which you find in the Mazda sting, Ford Laser and that group of lookalikes.

An internal combustion engine needs three things to start, Compression, Fuel and Spark. If one of the three is missing, the car will not start. Now the question is, how would you figure out which one it is. 

Compression

This is the easiest to eliminate. The reason there would be no compression (the valves of the engine don’t go up and down) is because the cam is not turning.  This is either because the cam has broken (very unlikely), the engine has ceased (you're screwed) or the cam belt has snapped. If the cam belt has snapped then you would hear a high pitched screeching sound coming from you engine. Unless you have a spare cam belt just lying around you will need to get a tow to the nearest garage.

Spark

You get spark from your battery that used to ignite the fuel. No spark, no combustion, no movement. If there is a problem with spark, or in any way electrical there is a way to troubleshoot it so you can pinpoint the problem and then fix it, if possible. If you turn the key and it makes no sound, or just a click sound, then the engine is not turning. This means that either the battery is completely dead or the starter motor is not working.  If you head lights go on and your horn works, it’s not the battery. Now you can hotwire it by connecting the positive terminal on the battery to the ignition part of the starter motor. If you don’t know where that is then a simple push start should get the car going. If a push start does not work; then, well you're kinda screwed mate, 'cause you engine might just have seized.
If your car is going “hung-ung-ung-ung-ung” when you turn the key then it’s not the starter motor. It could be a lack of fuel or the spark plugs aren’t pulling their weight. Either the ignition coil is busted, or coil wire is not sending spark to the distributer, or the distributer’s resistor has fused or the spark plug cables are buggered, or the spark plugs themselves are screwed.  I’m not going to go into detail on how to check of that, but if you want me to, drop me a comment and I will tackle the subject in another article.

Fuel
If your fuel has been depleted but you’re not too sure, an easy way to check is in your fuel filter. If it’s empty, then you know what you need to do. The fuel pump may have packed up. To check you can remove the return pip (which is the thinner of the tubes) and if nothing comes out of it then it’s most likely that is giving you problems.

If your engine dies when idling then the idling solenoid in you carburettor could be the problem.

 Well, that’s all I am going to put down for now, I am sure the rest you can find out by Google-ing it. If I have gotten anything wrong please don’t hesitate to correct me in the comment section below.

I would like to leave you with one piece of advice. When going to a mechanic don’t just take his word for something and sit in the waiting room while he fiddles around on your car. Make sure he/she shows you the problems and explains it to you so that you understand what he is doing and why he is doing it. A car is one of the most expensive things a person owns; hence it stands to reason that you can’t just let someone push you around and treat you like an idiot. Also, don’t be afraid to get a second opinion, it is your right and one you should exercise.